Reclaiming The Rites Of Passage
8 July 2007 by KA“A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker.” – Ambrose Bierce
A recent post by a dear friend of mine, Beep!Beep! It’s Me, about the topic of marriage, started me weary old brain cells a-percolatin’.
It has occurred to me, that the religious have not only co-opted our language, but have also hijacked those moments in our lives that speak of transition.
Momentous transitions in our lives, from beginning to bonding to end, are viewed overall as requiring some religious institution to oversee them.
Baptisms, to mark birth. Weddings, to mark marriage. Funerals, to provide closure for the grieving.
So many have been brainwashed into viewing any and all rites of passage as needing an obligatory nod from on high.
When indeed, not only marriage, but funereal rites and the welcoming of a new child into the world are as old as our species, long before those ugly monolithic monotheisms came shambling along and dug their metaphorical tentacles into the pulse of humanity.
We are creatures that yearn for structure, and long for routine. A ritual need not be religious in content for it to do us good. Even though the word rite is religious by definition. That, for the record, is another word I’m co-opting, and anyone who doesn’t like it can go take a flying leap.
So I say, we reclaim the rites of passage. No, no padre at the funeral, thanks. Baptisms? No thanks. Circumcision? Fahgetaboutit! Church wedding? I can’t go into a church, since my skin starts sizzling like a steak on a grill when I enter one (oops! Shouldn’t oughta let that slip, ssshhh! Don’t tell anyone!).
So spread the word, let it sound, shout it from the rooftops, spray it on a wall, or whisper it in someone’s ear. Let it be heard:
We want our rites back. Free of the shackles of superstition, free of the fear, free of the whispers of old ghosts that never were.
And I, for one, shall not say please.
8 July 2007, on 10:48 am
I recently attended two Catholic funerals and was quite dismayed to see 90+% of the service being an ad for the Jesus biz, with scarcely any time for honoring the beloved departed and his/her meaning in the lives of the mourners. It seemed to me utterly disrespectful.
8 July 2007, on 11:54 am
KA
The religions must insinuate themselves into everyday happenings or they loose their control. And they loose their power to continue the process of indoctrination.
It is one of the many ways the Native Americans lost their culture. After the military killed them and rounded them up and they were living on the Res. The gov’t. prohibited them from their rituals. The missionaries were sent in and started the process, indoctrinating them into Xian ritual. And up until the early 1980’s they were prohibited from some of their dances and rituals. When they began practising their rituals again the priests and ministers got involved and tried making it about Jesus. They would insinuate themselves into the ritual. But the People were having none of it and began their rituals away from the churches hold and have individually set themselves free from all of the Xian rituals.
It’s funny how they take one ritual and replace it with another as if one were better. Maybe people have an inate need to ritualize their lives? I don’t know. I sure don’t. It has always botherd me that people needed something special to commemorate daily living.
8 July 2007, on 2:28 pm
jimmer:
I think most people do. There are watershed moments in all our lives. We celebrate birthdays.
I for 1 don’t visit graveyards. Nothing to do w/’consecrated ground’: I’ve always been something of a shrugger. Hey, that person’s gone? I miss him/her. Hardly need a headstone to trigger a memory, though.
Grieving is fine, but I find going to cemeteries a tad morbid. That’s just me. Some folks need it, some don’t. We all grieve differently.
Bury the dead, tend to the living, I say.
VL:
Last funeral I went to was a lot more people-oriented. It was in a church, but it was a lot more secular than 1 might expect. I’m fairly sure the cosmic babysitter was trotted out, but probably in the 5% range. Of course, I wasn’t quite an atheist at the time: my radar was non-existent at the time. The lady pastor gave a brief, nice eulogy, but I don’t recall much discussion about the hereafter. Mostly nostalgia & whatnot.
I gave the eulogy at my father’s funeral (pre-atheist, again), but even so, I didn’t call on religion, just a trip down memory lane sorta thing. Even got a few chuckles out of the audience.
Wish I’d kept the dratted thing.
Shrug.
8 July 2007, on 3:38 pm
Don’t you mean “loost”?
8 July 2007, on 8:34 pm
What a timely post! I, along with many other Americans, attended one of these much ballyhooed 7-7-07 weddings yesterday.
The priest in his homily told the couple that they were to be three in this marriage: Husband Wife God. And that the closer they were to each other the closer they would be to god. And that if they forsake god in their marriage they will NOT be successful.
I think I’d have asked for my money back.
Just FWIW, the grooms’ dad is Native American and the processional was a Native American straight song, sung and drummed by the groom’s brother and sister. But then they threw in Pachabel anyway. Ah, well.
9 July 2007, on 1:03 am
i’m pretty sure the circumcision is a health thing nowadays…unless you enjoy that burrito look
9 July 2007, on 1:52 am
Circumcision has nothing to do with health, at least not as it’s understood today. Its prevalence in modern America is based on thoroughly discredited 19th Century ideas about the perils of masturbation. Its religious significance is entirely as a blood offering, which should also be thoroughly discredited by now.
And, yeah, I think that burrito look is hot. I wish I’d been given the choice.
9 July 2007, on 1:57 am
Thomas, don’t forget to eat the Kellogg’s corn flakes too!
Yep, milestones are one of the ways in which organized religion maintains its grip on the populace. Despite my atheism, for conformity’s sake, I still went through with a Catholic wedding and had my two children baptized, even though it was all bullshit to me. But I won’t be sending my kids to catechism and having them get communion and confirmation. It ends there as far as I am concerned.
9 July 2007, on 6:21 am
Thanks to a link from the Secular Outpost, I found this story on ex-born-again British athlete Jonathan Edwards. Atheist sites occasionally have deconversion stories. This is a good one.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/athletics/article1991114.ece
A couple of quotes.
“Once you start asking yourself questions like, ‘How do I really know there is a God?’ you are already on the path to unbelief,” Edwards says. “During my documentary on St Paul, some experts raised the possibility that his spectacular conversion on the road to Damascus might have been caused by an epileptic fit. It made me realise that I had taken things for granted that were taught to me as a child without subjecting them to any kind of analysis. When you think about it rationally, it does seem incredibly improbable that there is a God.”
The upheaval of recent months has not left Edwards emotionally scarred, at least not visibly. “I am not unhappy about the fact that there might not be a God,” he says. “I don’t feel that my life has a big, gaping hole in it. In some ways I feel more human than I ever have. There is more reality in my existence than when I was full-on as a believer. It is a completely different world to the one I inhabited for 37 years, so there are feelings of unfamiliarity.
“There have also been issues to address in terms of my relationships with family and friends, many of whom are Christians. But I feel internally happier than at any time of my life, more content within my own skin. Maybe it is because I am not viewing the world through a specific set of spectacles.”
“The only inner problem that I face now is a philosophical one,” Edwards says. “If there is no God, does that mean that life has no purpose? Does it mean that personal existence ends at death? They are thoughts that do my head in. One thing that I can say, however, is that even if I am unable to discover some fundamental purpose to life, this will not give me a reason to return to Christianity. Just because something is unpalatable does not mean that it is not true.”
Well said.
9 July 2007, on 6:59 am
Jess wrote:
“What a timely post! I, along with many other Americans, attended one of these much ballyhooed 7-7-07 weddings yesterday.”
And statistically, slightly more than 50% will end in divorce. Divorcees make the funniest guests at a wedding, especially for the single people to mingle with.
“…The priest in his homily told the couple that they were to be three in this marriage: Husband Wife God. And that the closer they were to each other the closer they would be to god. And that if they forsake god in their marriage they will NOT be successful.”
I would’ve bribed him to throw in the OT yarn about if your spouse tries to lead you away to worship ‘other Gods’, etc…he probably would not be asked by that family or any others in attendance to do another wedding. *giggle*
9 July 2007, on 10:32 am
Bernarda
Scroll down to “Cross-Untraining” in the main posts here. I think your in for a surprise. Tee hee.
9 July 2007, on 12:52 pm
I am always disturbed by what my family and my husband’s family consider a “proper” funeral.
On my side, it’s the high holy black robed appropriately sombre mass with a subdued crew filing into a church for the droning of the ceremony and then out to the church basement for sandwiches and tea.
The kind of ritual where the man in the dress gets pissy when you try and insert a eulogy that isn’t given by him and doesn’t have any fucking prayers in it.
The pedophile who officiated at my grandfather’s funeral forbid my family from giving a eulogy because it wasn’t in his little mass book.
[bet his alter boy's phone numbers are though] He said it wasn’t part of the OFFICIAL catholic mass so it wasn’t allowed.
Ahh the comforts of religion.
My husband’s family are a mix of southern baptist and hypocritical fundy dumbass. [redundant I know] So most of their funeral rites include fighting over the deceased’s possessions and arguing constantly.
Their funerals are always officiated by some wide eyed jebus freak that no one knows [the last one was a recently ordained former alcoholic who had "saved" the newly deceased just prior to him kicking the bucket.] who spends most of his time at the podium screaming about hellfire. Very comforting wouldn’t you think?
The funerals I’ve attended are not for the living, nor the dead. They seem to be mostly for funeral directors and include a lot of verbal religious flagellation for the grieving.
But then it’s the ideal time for them to strike. With the dead loved one laid out before you they can fully exploit the pain and fear of the gathered mourners without even breaking a sweat.
I haven’t decided what I would like for a funeral but I’ll tell you what it won’t include:
religion.
9 July 2007, on 1:08 pm
I want to be cremated and have my ashes baked in cookies and make everyone eat them at the dead person party. Or maybe rolled in joints and smoked. HA!
9 July 2007, on 1:18 pm
“So, I thought…What the…”
An amusing story from Australia about a kid with the last name: ‘Hell’.
[Hell, in German tradition, supposedly means 'bright']…soooo…like…
‘Brights’ could be considered Hells?…erm…”Hells, bells…WTF!”
In the case of this linked story…what!…
“Hell comes to St. Peter”?
AP article:
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/O/ODD_AUSTRALIA_HELL_OF_A_NAME?
SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2007-07-09-12-21-14
Yeah…”Monday, Monday!”…or perhaps: “Laugh, and the world laughs with you”?…OK, maybe…
“It only hurts when I laugh”?
9 July 2007, on 1:30 pm
Oh, sorry…it’s Austrian tradition; not German.
Did I just hear Schwarzenegger say something like:
“It’s not Colleefornia…or Konsas, either! He’ll be bock!”??
9 July 2007, on 2:58 pm
That’s interesting, Chuck, about the Hell thing meaning bright. Of course, Lucifer means ‘bringer of light’. Seems the bible thumpers so hate smart people they made the intellectual the worst of the demons.
9 July 2007, on 11:50 pm
Yeah Jess…
or maybe: 
That also…tangentially…reminds ME of one of my personal pet peeves…that of the ‘hangover’ from the medieval Catholic “Schoolmen” like Aquinas et. al.; those Theologian/Philosophers…you know…regarding the use of the phrase: “to play Devil’s Advocate” when bringing up objections, or alternatives, to whatever proposition is being discussed. You hear it very often in the media.
In my longtime opinion, it’s…in essence…an oh, so subtle…demonization of rational thought.
Instead; why not say something like: “to play “Reason’s Advocate” or perhaps…
“in Rational Opposition to your point”…or…”in Scientific/Evidential Opposition to your bullshit…?
Yada, zama.
It’s amazing how no one seems to notice those kinds of things…except an atheist like “moi”!
Of course, I’m just an old, evil, nutcase…right?
“Shock and Awe…
SHIT!”
10 July 2007, on 12:06 am
Were you aware that Christopher Hitchens was assigned the role of ‘Devil’s Advocate’ by the vatican in the case of Mother Theresa’s beatification?
I actually respect the vatican for asking for the most perverse opinion to its own on these cases. Lo, that our own government would try that sometime!
10 July 2007, on 3:07 am
[KA?...please pardon some more of my, off-topic, 'rant-joking']
Yeah, Jess, I know how disturbed the Church was about Hitchens’ “Ma Theresa” expose. I suppose you’ve also seen the controversial Penn & Teller video about all that?
I’d just love to hear someone say, in those kind of “Devil’s Advocate” cases (Vatican or otherwise!…maybe even to the former…Grand Inquisitor…the ex…RAT-ZINGER?):
“Let me get this straight…you mean to tell me that in 2007, you STILL…literally…believe in that mythologically contrived, ridiculous, Monster-in-chief…invisible (what else!)…willy-nilly, lecherous, and competitive ’soul’ gatherer…the old ex-talking snake…’Demon Haunted Earth’ addicted…horned AND horny…pitch fork toting…Universal Fuckhead???
That undisputed winner (after Gord, of course!) of the ‘Asshole of This Known Cosmos’ award…that semi-divine, ‘Morning Star’ scapegoat that your psychopathic, Sadomasochistic Gord loved SO much…only to, later, kick his ass out of Heaven, that “Up there somewhere” La-La-Land; and supposedly create a special hell for…”Somewhere, Out There”. [cue the tune?]
Wait a minute…then, who the fuck actually let that asshole out and about? And, if all that monstrous bullshit is true, that would seem to mean that…erm…EARTH might actually BE Hell! Am I surprised?
WTF!…Get outa here, you Devil’s Advocate suck hole!
Why…WE oughta! Woo-woo-woo-woo…Nyuk, Nyuk!”
[Sorry, Stardust & Naomi...erm...and all youse gals!]
OK…I’m just goofin’ off (as usual).
“O’Reilly?”…Yeah…I, of course, mean no harm by all this…
[looks around, like maybe...waiting for lightning to strike? It WAS rather stormy today...here in Chicagoland.]
Or, better yet; saying something similar to George Carlin’s cosmic challenge:
“If there really IS a Satan…when I count to three, and snap my fingers…let him IMMEDIATELY possess President Chimpy, Shotgun Cheney, Karl ‘Dorky Dancer’ Rove…the whole Ex-Pat Robertson U. Bush Administration staff…Oh, what the hell…ALL the world’s Religious Fundies…Oh, yeah…and most certainly, the Pope!
What’s that GifSters?…
WAY too late?…The mythological “Prince/Princess of Darkness” has long since…
been there…done that?
10 July 2007, on 8:47 am
I perform at many such functions (no circumcisions, I’m quite thankful!), and it often amazes me that the people celebrating put up with some clergy creature’s shines. I played for a wedding last year where the preacher made the worst “Bridezilla” look like the personification of reason and calm…and I’ve SEEN me some “Bridezillas”.
A weddding, though, is interesting. It is a true look at the concordat between church and state that has always been present.
10 July 2007, on 9:04 am
Actually there doesn’t seem to be any mention of satan or the devil in Genesis. It’s just “the serpent”. So saying it’s the devil is a 4000 year old ASS-U-M(e)ption by the idiotic/faithful.
10 July 2007, on 9:42 am
I think we do need rites to guide us through our passages, but they can certainly be secular. My mother’s funeral was held by all us sibs, without a formal religious type in sight. My wedding included a private ceremony with only me and my guy (very private) with no vows, but we spoke of how it would change our lives, what we had to grieve, and what to celebrate. Then we had a big party with friends and family.
I think many people use religious rites even if they’re not religious because it’s hard word cultivating a personal ritual that works, and especially one that’s acknowledged by others.
10 July 2007, on 11:33 am
Actually, Rev, it goes without saying(?) that it doesn’t matter what is actually stated…or not…in those two, ‘Doublemint’ versions of Genesis, that most of us ‘chewed’ on for way too long in our lives. As all of us atheists know; it’s totally made up, by humans (or maybe…erm…UFO Aliens?), childish, tribal, mythological, kindergarten, bullshit.
Like…ummm…permit me some scatological paraphrasing?…
“I’m looking for you Adam…I know…I’m really all knowing; but I’m playing my little made up masturbatory game…erm…and simultaneously (there’s a word!) pulling your chain. Or is it the limp little stem on that, ‘verboten’ thingy, between your legs…you know…well, at least now that you fucked Eve…you know!
Did you say something, Adam? My all knowingness tells me you said:
“Will you PLEASE shut the fuck up, you annoying, selfish, obviously lonesome Dickhead…and go away…leave all of us, including all these silly, stupid animals that you made me name; as well as all the, who knows what,…even the ‘Ken Ham model’ dinosaur I’m riding on…WTF!…you humongous, invisible, psychopathic, mean-spirited, no contest needed…asshole!
Oh…NOW what!…what’s your fucking angel doing with his flaming sword? What!…Is it Bar-B-que time now?”
“Tsk, tsk, Adam! Did you know that your name, backwards, is “Mad A”? Didn’t catch THAT, did ya? Guess what the “A” stands for. I think Eve always knew! Nya-NyaNya-Nya-Nya!
[Ummm...Sarge?...perhaps to the notes: G-EA-G-E?]
OK…enough silliness…(for now)…As we all know, religious ‘Sacred’ (Scared anagram?) texts are all a bunch of Fear and Guilt laden, ultimately stupid, and lying, bullshit.
Way past time for the human race to wake up from all the myriad delusions.
Yeah…Thus Spake ChuckAthustra…again?
[cue Sarge on 'his' organ; the Richard Strauss piece...Contra pedal 'C' ?]
10 July 2007, on 12:37 pm
Lol, ChuckAthustra. Are you off your meds again, or been watching 2001?
10 July 2007, on 2:11 pm
A couple of weeks ago I attended a tribute a close friend held for his recently deceased father, who had been a musician (drummer) and TV comedian in Latin America. His request was that each of us “bring” a joke or a personal anecdote of our experience with his dad (I told a joke). We had a good bittersweet time toasting him with wine, looking through these great old scrapbooks he’d kept, and trading quips and stories; it was truly a celebration of the man’s life, loves, and impact on those who knew him.
There were several theists in the gathering, of course, and their remarks were more afterlife-oriented, but all in all it was a wonderful idea. The gentleman had suffered from Alzheimer’s in his latter years, and my friend was sick and tired of all the stress, worry, guilt, and helplessness he had come to associate with his father. This tribute was a way to reestablish him in all our minds and memories as a vibrant, funny personality with all the accompanying positive feelings, and it worked.
A rite and ritual in its way, but with no religious co-opting – that’s what I’d like!
10 July 2007, on 6:56 pm
http://www.themonastery.org
This site is ran by liberal priests that allow you to become a certified minister online. All you need to do is answer a couple of questions (none about Gawd) and poof your legally allowed to preside over anything that is reserved for priests (in most states). They don’t even care if your an atheist because they don’t ask if you believe in the holy sky fairy. No rules to follow, nothing. So take back your own rites.
I want to be burned on a cherry wood pyre. Anyone in my will that wants my stuff needs to watch me burn. Weak stomach, tough shit. However, the fucking gov won’t let me even do this. We need to sue the assholes to get the right to not have a religious end to our corpses and that is bullshit.
No morning. If your going to be a sad sack then don’t come. My funeral will be a tribute to the joy that is me.
10 July 2007, on 9:37 pm
Chuck, I’d have to pedal a BBb tuba for that. I play all brass, flute, fife, recorders, rackett, guitar, lute, banjo, fiddle, and harp. I also play bass serpent, ophicliede, keyed trumpet, keyed bugle, mountain and hammer dulcimer. A few more, like the koto and sami-sen also. But, consider your pedal tone played.
10 July 2007, on 11:25 pm
Whatever works, Sarge. Certainly no rituals are required on GifS?
Since you went on your musical tangent…I guess I’ll dive in a bit on my bullshit. Anyone surprised?
I owe a big apology I guess…in advance…to KA for being so impudent in my tangential ways.
Come to think of it…being a musician, one is always somewhat involved with rituals…like practicing, maintenance, filling roles in bands, etc…wearing costumes and tuxedos? Musicians CAN and do get rather religious, in a secular way, of course, with the varied styles, vast history and practice of such a vital art.
I’m an old multi-instrumentalist also…and singer…pretty much retired, these days. I may try (very limited) teaching again, but more likely, ONLINE…as I’ve blabbed about awhile back, here on GifS.
Sorry everyone, for going so far off topic?
Logistics are an obvious problem to teaching certain instruments without actually being in a cubicle with the student.
You know…demonstrating embouchure, fingerings, techniques, styles, playing duets, etc. Much safer, however, from exposure to various diseases! Kleenex, anyone? Hmmm…and LESS GAS, wear and tear on the car, and tollway fees, as well! And no worry about shaving, showers, special outfits…
clean underwear, socks…underarm B.O. and bad breath? Say what?
I’ve mainly been a professional performer, since the very late 1950s; and mostly supplemented my income with teaching, along the way. Like a lot of youse guys…especially in my ‘yout’, I’ve worked various and sundry, partime jobs along life’s path.
Kinda like you, Sarge…I’m guessing…I’ve ‘tinkered’ around with many instruments. My problem was, I “fell in love” with almost every instrument I picked up. I’m MOSTLY self taught. Yeah, I also did some 5 string banjo, mandolin [Mel Bay books] back in the ’80s. Violin obviously helps with the mandolin reference.
I’ve taught privately, in all the decades since the late ’60s…the usual: Brass, flute, single reeds, violin, piano, guitar (lots), bass guitar, even some drums, way back. Speaking of tuba; I had a high school student (boy), who decided to switch from Bb baritone horn [I play valve/slide bone] to CC tuba! [A beautiful, silver, Yamaha 4 valve] I had experience with the three valve BBb; but I had to research the 4 valve fingering on the web, yada, yada. I LOVE the Web! Fortunately, where I taught, the studio had a large, and varied, retail music selection; with that somewhat famous Bell Tuba method in stock. Belwin, Rubank etc. were all there…and I could order anything else I needed. I kinda miss teaching, come to think of it.
My college music days were the usual courses in theory, ear training, solfege, private lessons, and the usual Music Ed. courses.
WAY too much said, I guess. And life is all too short!
So, Sarge?…I guess I’ll sleep better with the realization of that Pedal C being covered…roit?
Hmmm…”rackett (a sound description?)…bass serpent, ophicliede”…
I dunno, Sarge…sounds almost demonic.
Do you use forked tongueing (deep throat?) on that bass serpent? I’m ’speaking’ as a white (beige?) man, of course!
Be well, everyone! Much Love and Peace to all!
11 July 2007, on 9:26 am
The rituals and celebrations of our life often do depend on music. I have played in certain churches where certain instruments and musical pieces were not allowed for certain ceremonies.
Funny, though, how life intrudes in these things. I was playing for an out door wedding and the couple were swapping vows, and up walks this huge cat. She sat and watched for a bit, then got up, walked right up to the wedding party, and walked under the gown of the matron of honor. She tried to shoo it away, but it laid down on her feet and wouldn’t leave. Half the guests are trying to keep from cracking up, the other half are angry to the point of mania about the solemnity
of the occasion being spoiled. The minister thought it was hilarious. Several went away thinking the marriage was ruined because it had been profaned. The cat got up and wandered away, quite unconcerned about the whole thing.
The marriage seems to be one of the more successful I’ve attended, Kassy (bride) says probably because the cat brought the gift of laughter and a sense of the unexpected into their lives at that point, it meant more than all the words of the preacher, all the ritual, and all the invocations to the “almighty”.
Her parents thought that a multi-thousand dollar operation was totally ruined, a day unrecoverable. Points of view, I guess.
11 July 2007, on 7:53 pm
My cousin got married in a non-denom church and his ceremony was intended to allow both the secular (he, his wife, and many guests) and non-secular (the rest) to both enjoy themselves. During the beginning of the proceedings the candles kept going out because the wicks were too short. I went up grabbed the candles and trimmed them so they would burn. When I re-lit them I turned to the guests and declared with my arms outstretched “let there be light.” Most everyone laughed and relaxed. The Jebus freaks thought I ruined the wedding. What do you expect those people have no sense of humor.
12 July 2007, on 6:17 am
I just do not get the part that you have to marry in a church. Be original and marry some where romantic like the beach. Hell, you really do not have to get marry, just have monogamous relationship and have children like that. Marriage is just a governmental fraud. I wish I was older because courting sucks for me because I stick out like a sore thumb.
13 July 2007, on 1:53 pm
Myron: Be original and marry some where romantic like the beach.
That’s what my sister did! It was beautiful, and then they walked up to the pool and had a huge party that lasted practically all night.
13 July 2007, on 9:21 pm
I know it was. We should be embracing nature more, not spewing governmental lies. Divorce is way too common nowadays.