I’ve decided to rewrite the bible
28 June 2006 by Raindogzilla
I’ve decided to rewrite the bible.
GENESIS
1:1
In the beginning. there was a colossal explosion as if some leviathan junior chemist had mismixed his ingredients. Maybe, maybe not but thus was the Universe banged into existence.
1:2
And the Debris from the blast, congealed by Gravity, settled into the third orbit from a relatively insignificant Star. These would come to be known as Earth and Sun.
1:3
And the Earth’s matter held within it the heat from that Big Bang and, with the continual pounding of latecoming shrapnel, elements were melted, vaporized, and reshaped at the molecular level.
1:4
And, either by Chance or by a mickey-slipping Deus Ex Machina, the Seeds of Life were planted within and upon the simmering Earth and we know these seeds as DNA or the Double Helix.
1:5
And as hot became cool and wet became dry, as the teaming of two hydrogens and an oxygen became plentiful, the DNA caused the cells to create organisms.
1:6
And these new organisms- or Life- encountered various obstacles and reproduced around and over them, variety became the spice of life.
1:7
And from this plethora of simple lifeforms came species more and more complex- some of which died and became rocks- some of which evolved lungs and legs and arose from the water.
1:8
And then there were Dinosaurs, huge reptiles that may have been the predecessors of modern birds.
1:9
And Chance- or that same junior chemist leviathan mentioned earlier- hurled a six-mile wide asteroid at the Yucatan Peninsula and killed all the dinosaurs in the subsequent “Nuclear winter” from all the debris hurled into the atmosphere.
1:10
And it’s really too long and complicated to lay out what went on between then and mankind as we know it but suffice it to say that there were mammals, protosimians, apes, and there you go.(Like they didn’t leave shit out of the first bible!)
1:11
And, one day, some apes stopped their brachiating and, thus, their arboreal lives to forage on terra firma.
1:12
And it behooved these land apes to stand upright to survey the Savanna for predators.
1:13
And those with oddly jointed thumbs could grip the killing clubs the firmest and, thus, died the least.
1:14
And they built shelters and fires to keep away predators.
1:15
And they called the resulting downtime “Rest.”
1:16
And Rest fostered “Thought”, the mental activity beyond instinct, beyond survival.
1:17
And Rest facilitated the development of language, a method for conveying these new “Thoughts”.
1:18
And they soon discovered that what unified them was Fear of the Unknown. For they knew not why the bright ball of fire in the sky constantly left them, why the bone-white orb came to take it’s place inadequately, why water seemed to fall from the sky, and why the herds of gnu seemed to follow on it’s heels from the place where the fireball went.
1:19
And they began to tell stories of these phenomena being accomplished by immensely powerful, invisible men.
1:20
And these “Supermen” were endowed with all the traits of those stories’ authors except magnified.
1:21
And it was very important to stay in the good graces of these Supermen lest they become displeased and, say, stopped the Sun from rising or made the rain not fall and the gnu not come.
1:22
And, still, sometimes, the Supermen got pissed anyway, leaving the new men to resort to sacrifice in order to appease.
1:23
And ignorantly and, sometimes, arbitrarily, a system of dos and don’ts vis a vis the moods of the Supermen, who they called “Gods”, was formulated.
1:24
And in different locations, there were different rules and the Gods had different names and expected different tribute or obeisance.
1:25
And thus it was that man came to kill one another over the things that they had forgotten they’d made up in the first place.
1:26
And, Lo, the Gods were distilled over time- with exceptions- into one, albeit with three different names which is still a sticking point and fighting words.
1:27
And as learning and information became more widely available, surprisingly the incidence of religious extremism seemed proportionally to rise.
1:28
And thinking people everywhere became increasingly so annoyed and outraged by the pusillanimous religious wretches that they began to assemble to plot the end of religion.
1:29
And a chihuahua is biting my toe.
1:30
And a knave known only as “Raindogzilla” decided an Extreme Bible Makeover was in order.
1:31
And he invited everyone else to take a chapter and have at it.
28 June 2006, on 11:38 pm
Dinosaurs were not reptiles. Dinosaurs are in the class “Saurosida” and the superorder “Dinosauria”; reptiles are also in the class “Saurosida” but their superorder is different. Dinosauria doesn’t even cover what people think of as Dinosaurs, since there’s the superorders of Pterosaur and Plesiosaur as well (to name just a couple).
Keep calling Dinosaurs reptiles if you must, but be aware that in doing so, you may as well class goats and cows as the same thing, and as a horrible side note, you’ll sound like Kent Hovind.
29 June 2006, on 12:01 am
Sorry, let me correct myself, since that last post was a classic example of my dyslexia. Dinosaurs are not lizards, their classification of Saurosida does place them in the same box as reptiles, but not lizards. My apologies.
29 June 2006, on 12:04 am
Ok… That was good. I do have a slight issue with 1:13 I’m pretty sure the opposible thumbs were there before the clubs. (For the arboreal existance)
But regardless, I think it would be great if everyone printed this and replaced the verses in the hotel Gideons bible with this version whenever they visit a hotel.
I might want to suggest a 1:32 that says something like, “Thou shall keep an open mind to new information even if it disagrees with the previous verses.”
29 June 2006, on 12:19 am
Yorrike said dinosaurs are not reptiles.
Maybe he was making fun of this maniac.
Or did you just fuck up, RDZ?
Hilarious post, regardless. My favorite line:
And these new organisms- or Life- encountered various obstacles and reproduced around and over them, variety became the spice of life.
29 June 2006, on 1:16 am
Here’s my chapter:
29 June 2006, on 9:45 am
Revision;
1:32
And for all who would dare critique me, these words were given me by this Gawd dude who lives in my head when the medication needs adjustment. None should dare call into question Gawd’s dubious science pedigree and All should send me money so that Gawd does not become Gawdzilla and eat them. Gawd said that, not me.
addendum to Sean’s Revelations;
“Dude, I think the walls of this cave are breathing and, whoa…could we be, like, inside a whale and shit?”
Long Pause.
“Dude, have you ever really looked at your hands? Since we’ve got apples and apple juice, let’s have apple communion. Body of Apple? Amen. Blood of Apple? Amen. Amen? Why not just say ‘Dude!’? You know, Body of Christ? Dude! Oh, shit, the BUGS are BACK!”
29 June 2006, on 11:39 am
I find it hard to concentrate with that weird dude in the flower suit. What is that? Is that gawd? So adam and eve were flower people?
I think most of the authors of the bible were tripping on something.
rainzilla,
Could that be why it’s called the “adam’s apple”? Wait, I think I’m trippin now.
29 June 2006, on 11:49 am
Note to self: Dude, never, never, and did I say never be drinking some shit when reading God’s for Suckers.
Coroner: The deceased seems to have perished from a surfeit of orange soda throughout her nasal passages.
This was wonderful. Thanks one and all.
29 June 2006, on 12:15 pm
Hear, hear. We used to say: “You owe me a keyboard, cuz I just sprayed (fill in the blank) all over mine.”
1:29
And a chihuahua is biting my toe.
That was inspired.
29 June 2006, on 12:20 pm
RDZ: What is with the dude in the flower suit?
29 June 2006, on 12:42 pm
RDZ: What is with the dude in the flower suit?
I was wondering that myself.
29 June 2006, on 5:33 pm
Hey! I know that dude in the flower suit. It’s Peter Gabriel in his Genesis days! Hee hee hee. They actually were weird and fun… once.
You made such a good funny with that one… and with your spot-on re-write.
29 June 2006, on 7:36 pm
Peter Gabriel rules….
29 June 2006, on 8:20 pm
Ahem uh just a tiny point if you will. But I recall and I must add I could be supremely wrong. But doesnt it start with
In the beginning was the word and the word god spake at 10 to the 43rd of a second before the collosal explosion was;
Ahh woops!
And the godly rich dna was spread far and wide.
I don’t mean to be picky but that is the way I heard it. Ummm ahh yeah ah ok then.
29 June 2006, on 8:38 pm
Jimmer, “in the beginning was the word”- “En ar-kay ein hau logos…” in phonetic ancient Greek, is the start of the New Testament featuring Chuck Billy.
29 June 2006, on 8:45 pm
Sorry, Chuck Billy.
29 June 2006, on 9:25 pm
Rain dog
LOL ???
29 June 2006, on 9:43 pm
Jimmer, “in the beginning was the word” is the beginning of the bible’s New Testament. “Testament” was(is?) a metal band back in the day and their lead singer was(is?) Chuck Billy. I was just goofin’. Stand by for Chapter II.
29 June 2006, on 10:00 pm
Man you got 5 more days for this creatin doncha?