And All the Boards Did Shrink…
26 June 2006 by Raindogzilla
With a fond helmet tip to the General- one of my favorite places to hang, I bring you Vivo;
“Long-story-short: Like everything else on earth, water degrades over time. “Vivo” is water restored back to the way it was when God created it 6000 years ago. The metabolic aide and healing properties of Vivo are so great, Dr. Carl Baugh (founder of the Creation Evidence Museum in Glen Rose, TX – www.creationevidence.org) devoted two entire episodes of his TBN program (”Creation in the 21st Century”) just to Vivo. The wife of one of the researchers involved claimed Vivo cured her fibromyalgia. She also said her son’s wart was gone after three days of having a Vivo-soaked cotton-ball bandaged to it! A losing olympic swimming team started winning after they started drinking Vivo; the other teams were so shocked at their improvement, they demanded they be tested for steroids! When I drink Vivo, I feel 10 pounds lighter and I don’t get thirsty as quickly as I do after drinking regular water. They say you can use it topically and they’re right – when I smear it on my chapped lips, they instantly stop hurting, and when I rub it on cuts and scrapes, they instantly stop stinging and they heal ten times faster! My father says Vivo gives him more energy. My mother says it “rejuvenates” her. When my brother-in-law’s brother drank a Vivo for the first time, he was amazed – he said it was “smooth” and the best water he ever drank. Two friends of my mother said they could feel difference. People who say “water is water” don’t know what they’re talking about.”
Not to be outdone, Florida Congresswoman/Wicked Witch of the Redneck Riviera, Katherine Harris, wants to solve Florida’s citrus canker problem with Holy Water. (Myself, I think it has more to do with either homosexual bees and their promiscuous pollenating or the trees themselves are veterans of virginity pledges but that’s just me.)
“Rep. Katherine Harris, the Republican best known for her controversial role in the Florida recount battle, is at the center of a new flap — over a report that she pressed the state to treat trees with Holy Water.
Harris reportedly helped associates of the Kabbalah Centre to get officials in Florida’s agriculture department to test the water as a potential curative to the canker disease then plaguing orange groves. At the time, in 2001, Harris was still serving as Florida’s secretary of state, the same post she had held during the post-election fight in 2000.
According to a July 6 report in the Orlando Sentinel, at Harris’s urging, state researchers worked with a rabbi and a cardiologist to test Celestial Drops — a product “promoted as a canker inhibitor because of its ‘improved fractal design,’ ‘infinite levels of order’ and ‘high energy and low entropy.’”
Harris reportedly recommended Celestial Drops to the state’s agriculture department after learning about the product from Rabbi Abe Hardoon, now head of the West Boca Kabbalah Learning Centre. Harris denies having known that the product was associated with the Kabbalah Centre.”
Now, I realize that anyone tied to the Creation Evidence museum is automatically asshatted and that Ms. Harris is so out of the loop that the Brothers Bush no longer take her calls. And I’m painfully aware of the ridiculous bastardization of the once hermetic and interesting Qabbalah by celebs with their bracelets and bottled water. Further, I’m well aware that, in and of themselves, these stories can’t touch a Jehovah’s Witness arsenic child murder for sheer heartstring plucking but, perhaps, just perhaps, they’ll cleanse the palate or dust off the old funny bone, as we watch the FUCKTARDS get crazier and crazier like some metaphysical KURU. Indulge.
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27 June 2006, on 12:53 am
Hey, just wanted to bring your attention to the last paragraph: It got printed twice. Just a minor typo.
[Fixed it. Thanks!]
27 June 2006, on 12:56 am
By way of the General, also, there’s this nugget. Seems by taping messages to it on the outside of a bottle, one can effect the crystalline structure of the reactive, conscious, and, um, frozen water. Apparently, water doesn’t like Hitler!
27 June 2006, on 1:18 am
Raindogzilla
Thanks man, I love this shit.
To help further strengthen your left-brain belief in miracles, you might want to refer to Psychic Research: You’d Better Believe It, where we offer a brief description of the no-longer-stormy relationship between ESP studies and the tenets of modern science.
And we do hope that you will join Drunvalo on September 24 in his broadcast with WorldPuja, as he helps us weave together 12 global merkabas of healing.
ROTFLMAO.
By the way some verryy cool news from Warren Buffet. Have you seen it? Buffet is a non-believer. Giving 36(?) Billion to the Gates foundation. The Gateses are also non-believers. This is what nonbelievers do because it is the right thing to do no other reason.
27 June 2006, on 1:51 am
Yeah, Raindogzilla,…
Your post brings up a whole lotta laughable stuff [as well as a lot of stuffed down anger towards the "Year 2000's Favorite Bitch Award" winner...Bitch Harris of Florida! one thing springs to my demented mind: Penn & Teller's hilarious [2004 season?] shtick about bottled water.
Now this!…this level of…what!…’CooCooKaKa’?
[did I just hear a chimp(y) sound?]…
Yeah!…This,…just MIGHT…be something P&T could do a ‘Water Witching’ segment on!
Hmmm…should we email them?
Nice…’Hard work’ [?]…RaindogZilla!
27 June 2006, on 1:55 am
Just when you think you’ve heard it all, along comes something else.
27 June 2006, on 6:55 am
Didn’t the Wicked Witch melt when they threw water on her?
27 June 2006, on 9:23 am
Hey, if this stuff is that good they should use it to mix the concrete for the new levies in New Orleans.
Watch out Peter Popoff! Your Miracle Spring Water has some competition.
All I want is some good old-fashioned rain.
27 June 2006, on 11:03 am
I can’t wait to snort some vivo.
27 June 2006, on 11:15 am
Lewis Black also has a riff on bottled water and water in general in his first HBO special. He also, from what I’ve read on a Canadian blog (someone saw him perform there) has an evolution/ID bit that ends with “Fossil, fossil, fossil, fossil, fossil. Fuck you, I win.” Wouldn’t you love to see the whole skit?
I find myself getting really angry and wanting to unload on people who expect to be served bottled water when you offer them a drink of water. Feel like I want to make a grand gesture of filling up a mug from the tap. Water is really the next major battle; hell, it’s already here. (I realize my comment is OT for the specific post, sorry.)
Why don’t the bushes take Harris’s calls any more? She’s no crazier than they are.
27 June 2006, on 11:56 am
Sean says:
Didn’t the Wicked Witch melt when they threw water on her?
Not technically. Not if you know what happened afterward.
[/fangirl]
27 June 2006, on 4:45 pm
Catherine, I watched Louis Black last night “Red, White, and Screwed” on HBO2- it’s currently running and on On Demand. He did say when faced with a creationist, he pulls out his handy dandy fossil and shouts what you printed. If they still don’t get it, he hurls the fossil just over their head. Here’s part of his riff on the subject;
“Evolution is a small thread in the large tapestry I like to call reality. Creationists are insane. … I would be more than willing to buy their whole concept if I were allowed to be on drugs for the rest of my life. These Christian zealots point to the book and say the word of God states that creation took place in six days. This was written in the Old Testament, which is the book of my people, the Jewish people. … Anyone who knows the Jewish people knows that we are good at bullshitting. It was just a great story for people who were wandering the desert and needed to be distracted from the lack of air-conditioning. … There is no reasoning with these people [creationists]—because they don’t reason. We have the facts in carbon dating and fossils. I have tried to be nice, but I am exhausted. Fossils, fossils, fossils. I win. They really exist, and they are not the devil’s handiwork. Facts are fucking facts!”
27 June 2006, on 7:07 pm
Raindog: Yes, I think it’s a slight variation of the one I mentioned. Thanks for reprinting it, because my VCR isn’t working currently. (Love the desert wandering without AC crack.) I absolutely respond to his anger and most of his stuff. He did a riff on the Daily Show during the 2004 Repub. convention that I still hear in my head. Try to see his first one when they bring it back to HBO. The water segment is gut-splitting.
It’s good to laugh. Especially when nothing much in the actual world is funny. Well, I’m off to my shot of Vivo.
28 June 2006, on 10:04 am
I taped a screenshot of GifS to a bottle of Evian and it froze into a crystalline Georgia O’Keefe painting. Go figure…
28 June 2006, on 1:21 pm
Those poor scientists and farmers, wasting their time and money on this shit. I can’t imagine what I’d do if somebody asked me to test their holy water on some crops.