Is it a cult — or just an odd faith group?

Q. How can I know whether or not my sister has gotten involved with a cult? I admit they’ve done her a lot of good, but it’s a fairly small denomination and I don’t know anything about them. She says they believe in Jesus, but I’m not sure what they mean by that.

As we know, only large groups of fanatics following an invisible sky daddy can be considered rational.

A. I’m thankful for your concern for your sister.

If she is involved in a cult, you need to know this and urge her to break her ties with it, because cults can be very harmful to a person’s emotional and spiritual health.

As opposed to massive, highly organized and vastly wealthy religious institutions that rely on your sheep-like devotion and contributions to keep their irrational message alive and thriving in what should be an enlightened age.

However, just because her group is small and not as well known doesn’t mean it is necessarily a cult.

I mean, my Christian Stitch ‘n Bitch knitting group is small, and we have all signed a suicide pact to Jesus if we go to the Knitting Factory on Tuesday and they are still out of “Angel Multi” Yarn. Is that a cult? I think not. Just people expressing themselves.

God is at work in many churches and denominations today — including some he has raised up only recently.

He can’t get his shit together enough to tell a single story and tell it straight, so he has decided to be a flip-flopper and let just any yo-yo come along and tell his own version of the story. Just as long as alms are paid and the preacher gets to bugger somebody, God is happy.

Whenever the Bible is truly preached, lives will be changed and Christ will be honored. Jesus told his disciples, “Whoever is not against us is for us” (Mark 9:40).

As opposed to GW Bush, who said “If you are not with us, you’re with the terrorists.” Hey. Jesus and Bush have lots in common!

In general, cults differ from Christian churches, first of all, in what they believe.

Cults always deny some part of what the Bible teaches (which is why some add other so-called “sacred” books to the Bible).

There is one cult, started by a man who goes by the name of Sean de GifS, which builds much of its extra-Biblical ideology around the children’s classic “Everybody Poops.” While we will not condemn this wonderful book of godly bodily functions per se, we have to wonder why a True Christian™ would not be satisfied with the copious amounts of human shitting already present in the Old and New Testaments.

Many deny the deity of Jesus, or believe his work on the cross wasn’t sufficient to save us from our sins.

Indeed, some believe he should have put in an 8-hour day on the cross, rather than the 4 he ended up working before taking a siesta.

Cults also differ from Christian churches by the way they act. Cults often stress absolute and total obedience to their leader (instead of to Jesus), and threaten anyone who wants to leave the group by claiming they will be lost if they do.

True Christians™ never threaten anyone with damnation or ostracization should they leave the church. We give them a free hall pass to the festering Realm of Satan and Sin outside our church door, and tell them we might — MIGHT — let them back in if they give themselves over to us completely and never, ever speak against the Bible again. Also, if they are really young, live nearby and their parents are outspoken atheists, we send our children like a pack of mad dogs to kick the shit out of them every Monday morning on the way to school.

Find out more about your sister’s group — and if Christ has truly changed her life, be thankful for it.

Who’s to be picky when it comes to Christ? Christ clearly isn’t picky about the millions of different ways his teachings are consumed. If your sister really believes “blessed are the cheese mongers”, who are we to argue? Jesus loves all types of cultures.

Christ can change anyone who puts their faith and trust in him — including you.

Billy Graham: Billy “We’re Not a Cult Despite Our Ecumenical Attempts to Make Those Rat-Like Catholics Seem Human” Graham Evangelistic Association, P.O. Box 1270, Charlotte, NC 28201.

Send money! Or not. It’s up to you. Really. We’re no cult or anything.

May you burn in hell if you don’t send money.

Oops. Did I say that out loud?